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Deals, Deals, Deals!

by Ramona (USA)

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1.
It’s all in my mind when you invite me inside, weighed with past mistakes, so afraid to try. You smell the same, you haven’t changed. Repeating moves we used to make. And I wonder if you’re thinking about it too. And I wonder if you’re thinking about me too. Falling far down the rabbit hole, hoping maybe this will make me whole. You slip right in, I’m breaking under weight. Running through a loop of past mistakes. Devastated, our separation, I know we always part this way. While I’m hoping, that you’re staying, you’re always walking away. And I’m hoping that you’re thinking about it too. And I’m hoping that you’re thinking about me too. Now you’ve left, I can’t stop dreaming of death. Lie in my bed, clutch the hole in my chest. And thrash around in a fitful rest. Better to remember or forget? And I know that you’re thinking about it too. And I know that you’re thinking about me too. Now I know that you’re thinking about it too. Now I know that you’re thinking about me too.
2.
I’m not your token. I’m not your prize. And my existence doesn’t validate your own Hardly colorblind, hardly worth my time. We’ll make it different. We’ll make it better, with or without you. I’m not your token. I’m a fucking person. You reduce to what you see, but you can’t reduce me. It’s easy to feel demoralized when all you ever hear are lies. Don’t let them tell you your worth.
3.
Tell me it’s almost over. Tell me it’s almost done. Because I never thought I’d be so tired and never thought I’d feel so fucked up. Tell me it’s almost over. Tell me it’s almost done. Because I barely recognize myself and I don’t think that you like what you see. We made our plans with the best intentions. We broke our hearts with the coldest reverence. I hate you the way I hate myself too Maybe I never liked you. I always loved you. My love was true, but not enough for you. We never made a diamond out of coal. I never really sold you on my soul. Because when you left I almost gave right up. Convinced myself reasons for living were far and few and few and far And I can never find what I need in someone else. But i’m too afraid to look inside myself.
4.
Haven’t thought of it in quite a while by now but, I barely remember just how things used to be. Once upon a time we shared oh so many things but now I’m counting them on my hands and feet. Maybe one day, I’ll be someone you can bring back home. We’ll smile and laugh at the things that once were so unknown. But until that day I just can’t help feeling so down. I’m so down. I gave you time and space. I gave you everything you’d need just to avoid the fate I knew was coming after me. And it’s a change in our memories. The colored pictures, the photographs, now black and white and they’re all fading fast. Maybe one day, I’ll be someone you can bring back home. We’ll smile and laugh at the things that once were so unknown. But until that day I just can’t help feeling alone. And I just want it back, all those times we were all we had. It was just you and me. It was just you and me. I just want it back, all those times we were all we had. It was just you and me, you and me was all we’d need. How can you turn your back on everything we made? Would you throw it all away? Could you throw it all away? And now looking back at everything we had, it’s not too late to get it back. If we try, we’ll get it.
5.
02:27
I’ll never escape my brain and you’ll never know exactly what to say, to bring me back your way when i’ve lost my grip and I’m panicking. Maybe I should be on my way. Maybe you should stop trying to push me away. Because I’ll take nothing but your days and you’ll take nothing but my place. I don’t want to fall in love. I’d be better off alone. Don’t want to watch it fall apart. Don’t want a chance to disappoint. I don’t want to fall in love because the more I feel, the worse I feel. It seems to cruel to pull you towards unstable ground when I can’t promise a day that I’ll have me figured out. You can do what you want to do. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to.
6.
02:55
Your text was sickeningly sweet. You ask if I’m prepared to eat. And the whole time we’re together I let you watch me. Well who’d you trick your eyes to see? We talk about it on my porch. The wine stains your teeth and your words. I can feel everything within me. You promise you’ll wait for it patiently. Now I know I don’t want this. Why do I let it happen? When I’ve seen it all before. And I know that you’ll get bored. Put your hands on me, mold it how you want to be. Live by the book, along the line. I gave it all away and said “it’s fine.” You all love to claim it’s different this time. So why do I keep feeling the same? I don’t hate you, I hate who you made me. I only have myself to blame.
7.
I don’t think that I can do it today. I’ve got a bad feeling about the state of this place. And all my thoughts feel vapid or vain. The little voice inside of my head that tells me if I should or should be dead hasn’t made a peep, and I’m feeling lost. But I don’t want you to be another part of me I neglect until it’s too late. My door is always open because the lock is broken but I don’t want you to see how I live. No I don’t want to let you in. I don’t think that I can do it today, I’ve got a feeling that we’re all doomed and there’s nothing left to save. I don’t think I like the look on your face. It’s telling me that I’m losing your attention and I’ve got nothing worthwhile to say. All this fucking effort to feel less lonely. I’ll save it for another day. Would you deal with me when I’m just okay? Would you be with me when I’m just okay? What the fuck’s the point of only being okay? I’ve been a warm body before. I’ll give you the attention you’re looking for. Because I know what you don’t but you soon will. You won’t deal with me when I’m just okay. You won’t be with me when I’m just okay. What the fuck’s the point of only being okay?
8.
I need comfort like I need more debt, like I need higher rent, like I need vitamins. I never felt safe so why start now. I need a shot of adrenaline when I feel exhaustion begin to win, just a little stimulation before the endless vacation. I left every home I ever built, afraid I’d die if I stood still, and leaned into this existential failure. It’s not brave to run away when it’d be so much harder to have to stay and take a long look at yourself Because when you start from zero and turn out fine it gets easier to think that that’s a life. And I never felt right feeling good. I’m scared, I’m restless, I’m bored. I want to be happy but it feels like a fucking chore. There’s a chance I died doing 105 through the vineyards to I-5 but no one had the heart to tell me. They saw the grin on my face as I leaned straight-ahead into my fate and hoped some day I learned to sit still. Oh god I hope one day I have a will.
9.
I wanted to be able to say, “I’m doing so much better than the last time that you saw me. I go to sleep by ten. Something later on the weekend. And I feel so connected to everything and everyone, it’s exhilarating.” But that would be a lie. I’m doing a little better but I’m not that guy. It’s tough being around you because you knew me back when. Back when I was funnier and brighter not just bummed out and tired. These expectations are killing me. Like i’m supposed to be someone I wish I could be. I’m not quite better but I’m getting there. I’m not quite better yet. And in a quiet moment I find I kind of like myself. Then some days the anger returns and I have to find a reason to smile. Because you’re only as stable as your last breakdown. And I don’t think I’m able to understand the world right now.
10.
02:58
Pardon me, I must have forgotten that everything is fake: The thinks I claim to care about that aren’t worth their weight. The empty calories like sugary frosted flakes. The trivial moments that still keep me awake. Starting to getting fucking tired of battling with my brain: An ungrateful roommate who takes up too much space. I think of what to say by the time I feel ashamed. And shame is the game when your rent is late. You can build your own family, the one that you’d want to see. When you’re fucked up lonesome, nowhere to go, be the one with a couch and a shot until it’s your turn. If I lose sight of what I love won’t you slap me in my ears? Clear out all the other junk, help me hear. It’s so easy to be tempted by the shiny and the new, rub the paint, look underneath, you’ll see it’s rusted through. You can build your own family. Be the person that you’d want to see when you’re fucked up, lonely, no one to phone. Be the one with a couch and a shot until it’s your turn. For the miserable and lonesome be the tried and the true. If I lose sight of what I love, won’t you slap me in my ears? Clear out all the other junk, help me hear. If I lose sight of what I love, slap me in my ears. Remind me that I’m loved. Help me hear.

about

Ramona formed in Seattle, kicked some ass out there, then moved to Philadelphia because—if you wanna know the truth—you can buy two drinks for $4 at most any bar. FOUR BUCKS. So then they get asked to play shows with bands like The Lawrence Arms, The Menzingers, etc. and people are really responding to their songs and their fun shows. Next we shipped 'em up to Boston to record with Jay Maas (State Champs, Seaway, Title Fight) and they crank out the coolest record of 2019: "Deals, Deals, Deals!". See, it even sounds like a fun time. The band has a tour lined up with Teenage Bottlerocket and who knows what's next... probably something with Chainsmokers, those guys are equally hot right now.

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released June 7, 2019

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Ramona (USA) Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Diego
Abby
Shannon

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